Strategies for Addressing Dysfunctional Bonding in Mature Individuals
Learn all about healing disorganized attachment: the chaos, the confusion, and the path to a better, more secure relationship.
Disorganized attachment got you feeling lost and hurt? Not anymore! You can heal and transform your relationships for the better.
Here's the lowdown on how to tame the turmoil.
What's your attachment style?
Take the quiz to find out!
What's disorganized attachment?
Disorganized attachment, first recognized by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, is one of four attachment styles rooted in research. The attachment theory developed by these brilliant minds explains human relationships based on our earliest interactions with our primary caregivers.
These attachment styles can be broken down into secure and insecure attachment styles, which we'll dig into next.
Secure vs. Insecure Attachment
Three attachment styles are insecure (disorganized attachment being one), and one is secure. People with insecure attachment typically have difficulties forming emotional connections with others due to childhood caregivers who may not have been able to offer that connection all the time. Insecure attachment can also form in adulthood, such as from partners with insecure attachment.
- Anxious attachment people crave loads of approval from their partners, whereas those with avoidant attachment pull back, easily feeling smothered by the pressure of expectations.
- With disorganized attachment (also called fearful avoidance), individuals yearn for love but simultaneously fear abandonment, rejection, or even feeling unworthy of it.
- Secure attachment is the healthy attachment style, characterized by people who can attach to others in a healthy way, forming long-term relationships and generally being happier in their relationships.
Attachment Styles Statistics
Here's the breakdown:
- Secure attachment: 50%
- Anxious attachment: 20%
- Avoidant attachment: 25%
- Disorganized attachment: 5%
What does disorganized attachment feel like?
People with disorganized attachment experience a mix of anxiety and avoidance. They deep down desire love but are terrified of being abandoned or rejected, feeling unworthy of it. They grew up with caregivers who may have suffered from substance abuse or unresolved trauma.
Disorganized attachment is a trauma response and a result of unresolved parenting. Caregivers with a disorganized child struggled to emotionally connect, exhibiting dissociative behaviors toward their child. The child's survival instinct encourages them to behave in ways that increase their odds of survival. In the case of disorganized attachment, this means trying to please their caregiver while also withdrawing.
Disorganized attachment can feel like chaos, with its roller coaster of emotions. If you identify with this attachment style, you might swing back and forth between seeing your partner as a source of safety one moment, only to villify them the next. You never truly find a stable anchor in your relationships.
But don't fret! Your life experiences gave you unique strengths. You might be fiercely expressive and creative, intensely charismatic, and capable of deep compassion for others. Your strong emotional responses make you appreciate the intricacies and subtleties of various aspects of life, such as art, music, and literature.
For a deeper dive, check out this video:
Can disorganized attachment be fixed?
Yes, you betcha! Many of my students have embarked on the journey of self-discovery through my Disorganized Attachment 101 course and made significant progress in understanding themselves and healing their attachment style.
Here are stories of two students, Jitka and Helena, who have successfully worked on healing their attachment issues:
Research shows that those with insecure attachment can move towards secure attachment, enabling healthier connections and more fulfilling relationships.
Of course, there's no quick-fix for your attachment style. Let's explore ways to tackle this issue.
Disorganized attachment and dating
So, what does dating look like for someone with disorganized attachment?
People with disorganized attachment have trouble forming emotional connections due to their insecure attachment style. Here's what that means:
- They think love is scarce and that their negative behaviors drive their partners away.
- They overgeneralize, vilify their partners, and set unrealistic expectations.
- They unintentionally sabotage their relationships due to subconscious fears.
- Often, they are seen as manipulative or demanding by their partners.
- Power struggles and emotional control battles are common for them.
In this video, I dive deeper into dating with disorganized attachment:
Now, let's look at the signs of disorganized attachment in dating:
Sabotaging Your Relationships
You unconsciously put obstacles in your relationships' paths due to subconscious fears, exhibiting erratic behavior and hot-to-cold mood swings that can drive partners away.
Vilification and Overgeneralization
You easily jump to conclusions about your partners, such as "I like staying in, and they like going out so our relationship is doomed and will never work."
Provocative Behavior
In social situations, you become provocative when you don't mean to, not holding back when punishing those seen as "undeserving."
EmotionalControl Struggles
You may demand control in discussions, experiencing clinician impersonations, gaslighting, or black-and-white thinking. Alternatively, you may refuse to take responsibility in conflicts, leaving your partners feeling unheard and hurt.
The Consequences of Disorganized Attachment
Due to your unpredictable and erratic behavior, you may lose significant relationships in your life, including romantic partners. You might feel lonely, never finding a way to meet your emotional needs. You're plagued by feelings of unworthiness, never really feeling satisfied with connections or feeling that they belong.
Disorganized attachment can sometimes lead to severe mental health problems, such as borderline personality, depression, and anxiety disorders.
Attraction of Other Insecure Types
People with disorganized attachment often attract others with insecure attachment styles due to their shared beliefs about love and connection, keeping them stuck in unhealthy patterns. This is called the "anxious-avoidant trap."
Breakups with Disorganized Attachment
You might recognize these patterns...
You meet someone and feel ecstatic about them. You enjoy their company and feel a great connection, but as things deepen, your doubts and fears about your partner set in. On the one hand, you crave their love, but on the other, you fear being rejected or abandoned.
This makes you push them away, causing arguments. After a breakup, days later, regret might hit you, and you try to get your partner back. Feel familiar?
Fortunately, you can break this pattern and find the connection you're looking for. Here's how.
Healing a Disorganized Attachment Style
Now you know what it means to have a disorganized attachment style. So, here's how to find recovery.
Steps to Heal Disorganized Attachment
To heal your attachment style:
- Practice self-compassion and seek strong, supportive relationships, such as a therapist.
- Dig deep and reframe your identity, moving beyond the beliefs that keep you stuck.
Let's delve further into the deep work required to shift your identity:
Shifting Your Identity
Your attachment style is rooted deep within your identity, influenced by genetics, your brain, your nervous system, and neurotransmitters.
Healing your attachment style requires you to undergo a profound transformation in how you approach your identity.
Here's an outline of that profound transformation:
- Self-recognition: Recognize and embrace the parts of yourself that require healing.
- Self-forgiveness: Practice self-compassion and forgive yourself for your past behaviors and beliefs.
- Self-acceptance: Accept yourself as enough, worthy, and lovable, regardless of your past mistakes.
- Self-love: Cultivate love and acceptance of yourself, prioritizing your self-care.
- Self-discovery: Explore who you truly are, beyond your past hurt and trauma.
- Self-realization: Uncover your purpose and align your actions with your values.
- Self-growth: Continuously work on personal development and self-improvement.
- Self-awareness: Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
- Empowerment: Take control of your life and make conscious choices.
Healing disorganized attachment is a journey that takes time, effort, and intentionality. It's important to remain patient with yourself and prioritize self-care as you work through your healing process.
Take the quiz to discover your attachment style!
Resources
Now you're armed with knowledge about healing a disorganized attachment style. If you want to dive even deeper, here are some resources to help:
- "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love" by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller: Provides insights into attachment theory and finding secure love.
- "The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Relationships" by Diane Poole Heller: Offers practical strategies to build a secure attachment style in relationships.
- "Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship" by Stan Tatkin: Provides insights into understanding your partner's brain and attachment style.
Stay open-minded, curious, and compassionate as you embark on this transformative journey towards healing your attachment style. You are capable of growth, and your future relationships will be filled with love, security, and happiness. ❤️
- In the field of human relationships, understanding your attachment style can provide valuable insight, as it is rooted in the earliest interactions with your primary caregivers.
- Learn about the four attachment styles recognized in research, categorized as secure and insecure, with disorganized attachment being one of the insecure styles.
- Secure attachment is the healthy attachment style, while insecure attachment is characterized by people who struggle to form emotional connections due to childhood caregivers who couldn't offer consistent support.
- Disorganized attachment, or fearful avoidance, causes individuals to yearn for love but also fear abandonment, rejection, or feeling unworthy of it.
- People with disorganized attachment experience a mix of anxiety and avoidance, creating a chaotic roller coaster of emotions.
- The attachment theory developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth posits that our adult relationships can be significantly influenced by our attachment styles.
- Understanding and addressing disorganized attachment can lead to significant progress in understanding oneself and healing the attachment style, enabling healthier connections and more fulfilling relationships.
- Self-compassion, strong supportive relationships, such as a therapist, and deep introspection are essential elements of healing a disorganized attachment style.
- Shifting one's identity can be a profound transformation required to heal an attachment style, encompassing self-recognition, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-love, self-discovery, self-realization, self-growth, self-awareness, and empowerment.
- Resources like the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love" by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller, or the book "The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Relationships" by Diane Poole Heller, can aid in the exploration of healing one's attachment style.
